Another year has passed since the last
time we have had the opportunity to talk. Last year, My friends and I
had to rescue Santa, not for the first time but for the second time.
Santa is kind of turning into a Damsel in Distress. The only down
side about that is a woman shouldn't have that much facial hair. In
all fairness, I can make you a guarantee right now. He will not be
kidnapped this year. Why? I know that is what is going through your
pretty little heads. It dreams of Sugar Plums dancing and how can
this guy have a Christmas story without Santa being kidnapped? This
year is a little different. Wait! I take that back. This year is a
lot different. I want you to sit back and grab your favorite non
alcoholic beverage. I have a story that is going to make you shake
your head and wet yourself at the same time. Let me start with
started the whole thing in the first place. My health. The struggle
has been a little easier than it was. Knowing what is wrong with me
now is helping me be able to cope. The headaches will not go away but
I have been able to live my life as normal as possible. Well, as
normal as one could be.
Since last Christmas, I have lost touch
with a couple of people that were very close to me. If you remember
the head elf, Christine and myself were kind of an item two years
ago. Last year she left me for a guy who works for the Easter Bunny.
Easter Bunny, gayest character in all of the land. The only eggs that
bunny will be getting close to is of the chocolate kind. Their
relationship tanked and I haven't heard from her. I think part of it
has to do with the fact I changed my phone number. If you really
don't want to talk to someone, become smart. Change those 7 digits
and your world will change forever. I do wonder in the back of my
head if she is doing alright but as a giant guy with a big head once
told me, There are plenty of elves at the North Pole and I go for a
different character.
After all of that last drama last
Christmas, I decided to move away again. I figure I would move away
to a magical far away place, where the sun is always shining and the
air smells like warm root beer. I figured out that was a giant lie
when I got there it was overcast and the air reeked of desperation.
Desperation has the smell of dung and urine. Google it kids or just
ask anyone who has ever been in the Real World House. I went out
there so I could meet someone new. I have been getting hit from characters all across the board for some of this sexy piece of man meat. You help and harm
Santa at the same time, you attract everybody. I went out there to
meet The Tooth Fairy. Here is some advice to all the little ones
reading this. There is a reason that The Tooth Fairy comes while you
are sleeping. She is a kinda bitchy. I watched a video of beat down a
child for just talking in his sleep. How do you think she treats a
boyfriend. I decided that wasn't the best place for me plus I didn't
need her messing up my money maker. (My Face) So I hopped on The
Polar Express and made my way back home.
One day I get an invitation in the
mail. I am 28 years old and getting a letter in the mail that isn't a
bill makes me feel like a 7 year old watching Blues Clues. I figured
the invite was for a birthday party or for Frosty the Snowman son's
Bar Mitzvah. A secret that not many of you know, Frosty is Jewish.
Who knew right. This invite was for a wedding. Now, who in the world
would be getting married? “You are cordially invited to celebrate
the wedding of Kristopher Santa Claus Kringle and The AngloFro!!!”
You have to be kidding? This is a joke right. First of all you for
you that have missed the last two years. Something is wrong with you
and you need to catch up right now. (A Christmas Wish Part 1 2 3) The
AngloFro is a your typical middle aged white woman with the
Superpower to grow an Afro that would make Pam Greer jealous. Two
years ago, she rescued Santa from the evil clutches of Shaggy and The
Murph. Really, the only reason that they met was because of who was
the mastermind behind both kidnappings. (Read Not Another Christmas
Story Part 1 2 3) I made that happen kids. I guess they had been
sneaking around and not telling anyone that they were seeing anyone.
Those crazy youngsters.
The time came for the wedding and I
wasn't able to make it. I had some obligations to take care of with
my mother who is in the Nursing Home. How do you buy a wedding gift
for a couple who employs 100s of women that can make anything at any
given moment? Decisions. I decided to send them the one thing that no
one really wants or uses, unless you are making some sort of mixed
drink. I sent them a blender. It's all I could come up with in such
short notice. Give me a break, at least it wasn't a toaster or a Wal
Mart gift card. Shit! I should have sent a Wal Mart gift card.
However, I digress, from the pictures I have seen them on Facebook,
they were beautiful. I will give you a guess as to what the color
scheme was? If you guessed anything other than Red and White, you are a dumb ass. Do not pass go and do not collect $200. The best part of
it all was hearing the AngloFro's daughters, My two sisters Danielle
and Bridget, get pissed when we were telling them that their new
Daddy knows when you have been bad or good. Needless to say I have a
few bruises on me from that joke and one I will never make in their
presence again.
Since then, it has all been quiet and
relatively boring. I live an exciting life boys and girls. Well,
Christmas time has come again. I am thinking this year I am going to
get to have a peaceful holiday time. No, trying to rescue anyone.
Just sit back and watch all the Christmas Special, I can before my
eyes bleed. I turn on the TV to find the channel to be on
Nickelodeon. Don't judge me. I know I am 28, and have no kids but
damn it, Spongebob is on. It was the Christmas special where you get
to see his first Christmas. I was excited like a kid on Christmas
morning. Could I have not picked a better to describe how I was
feeling? Screw it! It's Christmas. The theme song started. I was
getting all giddy. I even let out a squee. I just said squee in an
really excited voice. This is not helping me in my man status at all
but I have to tell the back story. The theme starts and right before
the end of the song, there was a knock at the door. I get up knowing
that my Popcorn would become cold and my Pepsi would become flat. I
was a little sad but I don't want to be rude. I get to the door and
there is a guy in a Brown Suit looking at me. “Are you Richard?”He
asked. “Depends. Are you going to try and have sex with me cause
shorts aren't really that flattering. In all honesty they make your
hips look fat.” I have never seen a man become more self conscious
about his body in my life. “Yes. I am.” I responded hoping to
make there be less awkward in this situation. “I have a package for
you.” He hands one of the biggest boxes, I have ever seen. The word
Fragile is written on it. I am thinking I have seen this before. Have
I won a major award for knowing that The Lone Rangers Cousin's Horse
was named Victor? He gets the box in the living room and leaves. “I
wonder what is inside the box.” I thought out loud. Saying I talked
to myself would have made me sound a little crazy. Am I right?
There are more important matters to
take care of. The fact that the Spongebob Christmas special was on
television. I sit back down on the couch with my not warm popcorn and
surprisingly still fizzy soda. Just as I was going to take a bit of
popcorn, someone is at the door again. I guess I am popular today.
The only thing I want to do is watch Spongebob. I get up, step over the
giant box that is now sitting in the living room floor. Open the
door, just to hear a bunch of people singing Christmas carols off
key. They are also dressed like they are out of Dickens books. “I
didn't know a community theater went out of business somewhere.” I
said to the carolers. I am not drunk enough for this. Right before I
slam the door in their face, a man dressed like Tiny Tim said “Merry
Christmas and God Bless Everyone.” I decided in that moment that it
wasn't good enough walked outside to my patio, and kicked his crutch
out from under him. Don't gasp. He can walk just fine. It was more
symbolic than anything.
I can now get back to Spongebob. I
climb over the box and right before I sit down, there is another
knock at the door. I swear if it is Dicken's caroling group this is
going to be one of those Worst of times situations. I open the door.
“Would you like a Watchtower?” I just slammed the door. I am
getting frustrated in my old age I guess. I crawl back over the box
when suddenly, there was a special news bulletin on the T.V. I was
scratching my head cause I didn't know Nick showed news bulletins.
The Bulletin was from the show and site TMZ. I was livid to say the
least. There was Harvey Levin. A name and a face that should send a
chill down any teen star's spine. He started to talk to us and what
he had to say blew my mind at least.
“We have breaking news from the North
Pole. A picture has been sent into TMZ showing that Santa Claus has
had an affair on Mrs. Claus.”
“HOLY SHIT!” Was the only thing I
was able to say at that moment. I was in shock to say the least. I
couldn't believe it.
“Mrs. Claus's divorce is now final.
In that divorce she has control of all the assets of Santa Claus,
including the elves, the reindeer and The naughty or Nice list.”
The upside is a family member is in
charge of this but the downside is a family member is in charge.
“A Press Conference is about to
happen at The North Pole. We are about to go there live where the
world will hear a statement from Mrs. Claus.”
Shit is about to get real.
“Mrs. Claus has taken the podium.
Let's hear what she has to say.”
“A couple of days ago, I found out
that my husband and one true love Kris had cheated on me with some
floozie. I didn't believe it when I first heard it. Who would believe
that their love is cheating on them. Then I received an email with a
picture attached. The picture that was attached made the tears start
flowing from my eyes. I couldn't believe it. I told it was over and I
wanted a divorce. The biggest thing I have to say is that, I, Myself,
have placed Kris Kringle on the NAUGHTY LIST. With that being said, I
just want to ensure all the boys and girls, that Christmas will go
along as planned like it does every year. We are in the process of
looking for someone to take Santa's spot. Thank you and Merry
Christmas.”
If I wasn't seeing this with my own two
eyes, I wouldn't believe it at all. Harvey of TMZ came back on the
screen.
“If you are under 18, we are about to
show the picture that could kill Christmas forever. Please remember
this is of an adult nature.”
The picture came onto the screen as I
was taking a drink of my Pepsi, patiently waiting for my Spongerbob
special to come back on. All of a sudden I look up to see Santa isn't wearing any pants, lying in the same bed next to CHRISTINE. Needless
to say the picture of Santa and his head elf made me spit soda all
over my popcorn. Nobody likes soggy popcorn......... Nobody. My cell
phone started to ring. The eerie Joe Diffie music indicates that
Danielle was on the other end. If you know Danielle, she hates drama
and this my friend is a big heaping bowl of it. However, she had a
tone that was a little different than we all expected. “Santa is
just a typical guy.” Instead of hello that is the greeting I was
met with. Sounds about right. We are bantering back and forth as to what
we could do. I tell her to come over and bring everyone so we could
work out a plan. How is a guy supposed to watch Spongebob around here
with all of this.
I sit back down, and there is another
knock at the door. If it is those damn carolers again or my family, I
am going to channel my inner Sting. Not the singer that sings creepy songs, the wrestler and beat them down with a baseball bat like Sting did with the nWo. I just dated myself right there didn't I? I pick
the baseball bat and I fling the door open acting like Reggie Jackson
in the World Series. I drop the bat and my mouth drops. I now have
that dick in mouth look. The person at the door was, Santa Claus.
“You have to help me. You're my only
hope.”
I am Santa Claus's Obi-Wan Kenobi. That
is all kinds of bad ass right there.
Santa goes on. “Richard, you know I
would never cheat on my wife or do anything to hurt my elves. They
are my family. Why would I sleep with one of them? You have to
believe me.”
“Santa, before you get your stockings
in a bunch, I can't see you doing anything like this.” I say to an
unjolly big guy.“You saved me twice, granted, you caused my
kidnapping twice. Speaking of which I owe you.” Santa says as he
walks up to me and gives me a Holiday Fruitcake Bitch Slap. “I have
to keep my present giving hand strong.” He Says. We both have a
good chuckle and realize we need to get back to business.
“I have been framed, hoodwinked, and
bamboozled. I was set up and the only person that is going to be able
to figure that out is you.” He says to me with a concerned look on
his face. “Where is Christine? Why can't she help you?” I
replied.
“The day of the wedding to the
AngloFro, Christine was really upset about the whole thing. She got
up and left during the ceremony. She packed her stuff up and left the
workshop. I have tried everything I could to find her but haven’t
had any luck at all. No one has seen her.”
At that moment, Danielle, Jackson,
Angel, Cody and Victoria walk into my living room. Have you ever seen
a rooster when his feathers get ruffled up? Picture that in your head
when Jackson and Victoria walked into the room. All they know is that
Santa cheated on their Grandma, he is telling me something different.
Who am I to believe?
“Please don't hurt me!” Santa
exclaims with fear. Jackson and Victoria couldn't say anything but
they were wanting to hurt the big guy. All of a sudden a voice can be
heard from the back of the room. All of stop dead in our tracks.
Jackson and Victoria's fist about to hit Santa's face, I am in the
middle of it all, Danielle just stands there looking pretty but the
voice came from Kody. “He is innocent. That was not the AngloFro in
that press conference.” Kody can talk?” I questioned.
“You were mute the last two
fucking years, we fought zombies, You get lost and this is the time
you choose to talk? What in the hell, bro?” Jackson pretty much
says what the entire room was thinking and that goes for Santa as
well except for Angel. She had no clue what was going on, and it was
probably better for her in the long run.
“Has anyone talked to AngloFro or
Bridget?” Danielle says as she pulls out her cell phone and dials
her mother but to her surprise there was no answer. She calls up her
sister but instead of ringing the phone just went straight to
voicemail. Danielle's face turned as white Kristen Stewart at the end
of Breaking Dawn 2. “I am telling you something is wrong with all
of this!!!” Kody says with his second line of the story
“The mute one is right. I know you
guys think I am a terrible person but I loved your mother/grandmother
since the day she untied me. I know there is something else going on
here. That is why I am asking for your help. Richard, I need your
help in finding out what is really going on up there at the North
Pole. I have just enough magic left to send you to a secret spot
where you will meet some of the elves and your team. You will need
the sleigh with the Flux Capacitor. You will need to be able to jump
from story to story. The weight of Christmas is on your shoulders. I
have a guide that will help you through your journey.” Santa says to
me
“So what you are telling me, is that
I get to be a fatter version of James Bond. I am already digging
this” I replied
Jackson, Kody, Angel, I feel really
sorry for you getting thrown into a mess that you have no idea what
is going on but I know you will do fine, and Victoria, I need the
four of you to screw up that audition for the new Santa.”
The four of them just nodded their
heads yes and poof they were gone.
The only thing I don't know how I am
going to manage is to make people believe I am naughty until the
tasks is done.”
“I can help you with that Santa. That
is kind of my specialty.” Danielle says as I throw up Chinese food
in my mouth and I haven't had Chinese food in 6 months.
I thought I was going to get to have a
nice peaceful Christmas. I guess instead it's up my friends and
myself again. I smell a Trilogy!!!
Stay Tuned For part 2 of The Naughty List, during The Buzz Kill Blog's 13 Days of Christmas
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