Retro Music Video (June 2)

Happy National Rocky Road Day!!! That is what we need. We need to be able to celebrate the dumb holidays. The holidays that no one ever gives a shit about. Did we forget about Arbor Day? It is June which means a new month and new happenings around The Buzz Kill HQ. Before we get to the meat and potatoes, the reason why you all came. I have to get some selfless promotion out of the way. The summer is going to bring some interesting things. Every so often we will be having themed weeks. Ladies Week, Nerd Week, and much much more. Details will be coming very soon. We are also in the works on a show based on this website and the many antics that goes on around here. Stay tuned more details on the way. Lastly, The Dating Diva column will be returning very soon and Whitney needs your questions. If you any questions about your love life send them to thebuzzkillblog@gmail.com   The formalities are out of the way. Now for the real reason why you are here.

Have you ever wanted to stalk someone? I love starting out with a question that makes you wonder what the fuck is wrong with this guy. I don't mean in a bad way. Truly the only way to stalk someone legally is by constantly looking at their Facebook page. I know for me, if you don't live within walking distance, stalking is not an option. This has nothing to do with the creepy kind of stalk. What am I talking about, what if you are with someone who is cheating?  What if that person smells like the inside of a cupcake after it's been dipped in batter of STDs? If I just named anyone it would be James Bond. I mean have you seen the number of women this guy has slept with? Hugh Hefner is jealous of that guy. What do you do if you have the notion that you are getting fooled around on? You could call the television show Cheaters. I think this is the best bet. How much fun would it be to confront your cheating bastard or bitch on national television with the person they are fucking? I know someone that will not be really well received at the next church potluck. I guess you could go more low key. Either way there is one thing in common. They are going to be followed by some Private Eyes. It's kinda scary cause they are watching you.

 

Sexual Kryptonite

What is one thing that 99% of people in this world love to do? Sexual Intercourse. We have all done it and if you haven't your time is coming. Well, that is if you don't do something that is a detriment to your sex life. Sexual Kryptonite, if you want to be specific. Don't let a nun fool you. Ask her about the time she wasn't a nun. She would put some rock stars to shame. No one is kinkier. Trust me. You are going to die in your parents basement with your hands stuck to a ham and cheese Hot Pocket. That isn't what you want is it? You want to be out there getting as much tail as you can. We do something around these here parts called The Unwritten Rules to Dating. They help you with your dating life but there is something that has been left untouched. SEX!!! Who wouldn't want to be on top of something thrusting at the moment? It beats watching reruns of Gilmore Girls on the CW. It's the one thing that all of us humans have in common. There are some things that people do that will ensure you that there is no chance in hell that you will ever lose your virginity.

I am a card carrying member of the Nerd Nation. However, I value the fact that if I meet someone awesome that I can have sex with them. There are a few nerds out there that do something that makes my stomach just cringe. The fact they are not just throwing their sex life down the toilet like their parents did with a goldfish when they were 7. They are also throwing down the hopes and dreams of actually having a life in this world. Home Schooled kids have more social interaction than anyone who is a hardcore player of World Of Warcraft. I played that game for 15 minutes and realized that if I ever want to have contact with a boobie that I needed to stop that instant. Are you going to tell me that someone will fall for a person that 1. Sits in his parents house 17 hours a day in front of a computer. 2. Drinks a two liter of Mountain Dew/energy drinks or whatever the kids are drinking now. Then when they get done with it, they pee in it. So all around the space where you play there are urine filled bottles. The only thing you eat is anything that your mom makes cause you are too damn worried that something might fucking happen to your level 77 fairy elf. Come on. Is it that hard to actually clean a dish or make a bow of ramen noodles. No one is going to find that a turn on. I know of people meeting in the WOW universe. However, the only way they are going to have sex is on the computer. It's just a sad, sad day. If you are a hardcore WOW player. Good luck at ever having sex with a human. I had to add that. I have no idea how a wizard and fairy have sex, but some fanboy would try to explain it to me. Then again, they won't even know this is posted.

I know a lot of single mothers out there. I have some of the biggest respect for a strong woman raising a child by themselves. It takes a special woman. Some single moms become obsessed with those sexual novels. Until they find the man of their dreams they are dreaming of a Fabio. On the other hand, there are moms out there who become addicted to a certain franchise. A franchise that no one should like unless you are between the ages of 12 to 15. Twilight. Want to know what these special women are called? Twi-moms. Their biggest fantasy is having a sparkly vampire whisk them away and bite their neck. If you want that, find a bisexual who is very feminine and throw some damn glitter on them. If you are a Twi-mom it might be a good time to start looking at cats. I watched the first Twilight. Half way through the movie, I realized that if I ever wanted to get laid again, I needed to stop watching it.

Poker has become a very big game across the country. Men and women both love to play it. Some card games however will no longer allow you to enter the station known as Sexy time. Grab some buddies and let's play some Magic the Gathering. Nothing will turn on someone more then flopping out a card that will kill the some magical mystical forest creature. Shit, what is wrong with some people. I played Magic once. I realized that if I ever wanted to get laid again, that the only card game I will be playing is strip poker. Ask someone to come meet you in the middle of the night. That place being a truck stop. I have no clue of any classier place that is open 24 hours. Play some Magic and leave them sleeping in their car. Is there something wrong with that? Hell Fucking Yes there is. If you tell a woman that you play Magic watch their face when you explain what you have to do when you play. Remember that time your mom walked in on you masturbating? Remember the look she had on her face when she saw your penis in your hand? It will be that look all over again. You don't want that. And if you play Pokemon cards, just think about buying prostitutes now.

We all like a woman that smells nice. A perfume can enhance the situation to new levels that will blow your mind and your load. Men this goes for you to. Having sex with someone and they have an odor. I can't describe this any better and I apologize if any of these foods are ever ruined for you. It's a cross of Campbell's Chicken Noodle soup and Fritos Corn Chips. I don't know whether I should be disgusted at the fact you haven’t bathed in months or the fact you smell like a soup kitchen at a homeless shelter. Norman Rockwell would shit himself if he knew I used that reference. I just gagged a little.

How many positions are there? Quite a bit. I have read the Kama Sutra cover to cover. Once in Yiddish. How many sides to a pair of dice are there, that won't give you a chance to ever use any of the positions? Anything higher than 6. Dungeon and Dragon players. I have played D&D 1 time. After the 14 hour game of trying to save the princess from bowser or some shit like that. I realized that if I ever wanted to get laid again that I could never play this again. I don't see a point in wearing a cloak all night sitting in the basement of a 45 year old male who wishes World Of Warcraft was around when he was little. 20 sided dice and getting to pretend you are killing stuff with your mind. Sounds like a normal night....if you are 5.

Religion is kind of a taboo topic around here. However, telling people you are a member of a cult will not get you laid. It will get you committed. I tried this once, She tried to make me drink Kool Aid. I realized that if I ever wanted to get laid again, Ice Tea is the way to go. I walked away. Weirdly, never heard from her again. I just don't see how cutting and branding your self in the name of Steve is going to attract anyone.

That about sums it up. Just don't give them a reason not to sleep with you. Anything on this list is pretty much it. There is one thing that I left off. If they tell you they are a blogger. Oh shit. Umm I have tried this and realized that I won't get laid and I am still doing it. Hmm, this is kinda awkward. Did anyone catch the Thunder, Spurs game? I am just going to walk away slowly. Forget that was even said.

Retro Music Video (May 31)

It is the last day of May, anyone else excited that June is almost here. That can only mean one thing. We are one month closer to our deaths. Wow, that was kind of sad to say as the part of the piece isn't it? Well, let me make myself politically correct here. June is the month that most people get married. The last day of the rest of their lives. Wow, again. This is sounding very very depressing isn't it. Let me try this again. Have you ever been somewhere shopping and you hear a song? The first thing that runs through your head is the fact that you haven't heard that little Diddy in years. The next day you hear it somewhere else. The next day you hear it again. The next day you hear it again. By this point there is no doubting it that this song has hit annoying levels. It's like every Nickelback song ever played on radio. Nickelback, The Nicholas Cage of music. Their stuff isn't great but it isn't bad either. It's just kinda there. You own it but never actually listen to it. Just sits there cause you don't want to be the only person not owning it. Damn falling to peer pressure. That is kind of what happened to me. I feel like there was a higher power trying to communicate with me telling me what to pick for the next Retro Video. Going back to the weddings, how many guys have had actually had flowers bought for them. Richard Simmons and anybody who works for HGTV does not count in this argument at all. Hopefully you are a woman who isn't having to choose between two guys for that June wedding. You can't have your cake and eat it too. Unless you are a fatty or it's your birthday. That means for your special day you are going to have to choose between Two Princes


This had no unity at all. The reason I had no fucking clue where to go with this. I started writing it and I got offered some ice cream. I am a chubby kid, don't judge me.

The Unwritten Rules to Dating 5

The official beginning of Summer isn't until June 21^st however that hasn't stopped the weather from being hot as hell outside already. Satan himself just purchased a window unit. Hopefully, for you the heat outside isn't the only heat being generated. I think the movie Grease said it best, Summer Lovin had me a blast. It is the time of the year that you can have summer fling. That can only happen if you don't screw it up royally. That is why I am here to help you. I am giving you something that I wish I had when I started dating all those many many moons ago. A condom and the sex talk. Just kidding...Or am I? I am here to tell you what not to do in order to get that summer love going strong. Grab your pens and paper boys and girls, This is the Unwritten Rules To Dating 5!!!!

Rule #908. Don't you love meeting people who have just gotten out of a terrible relationship gone wrong. They are kinda in a bad spot. This is where you have to decide if you are going to be like Dennis Rodamn and pull down the rebound. However, what if the break up they are getting over is over 3 years old and they have dated people since. If you encounter something like this you need to run. You need to run like the wind Bullseye. Want an example? You are lying next to someone in the bed room. You just got done playing horizontal Yahtzee and not to leave out the bad asses out there, Vertical Yahtzee. They want to talk after the business has been taken care of. A normal reaction. The problem is the subject matter. Their ex from 3 years prior. Not the best thing after to listen to after sex. That is on the same level as talking about your parents in the middle of it. Ten seconds into the conversation they begin to cry. Yes. Not only do you have to try to make them feel better but wonder if you were really that shitty in the sack. If you are going to cry over him, it means you aren't over him yet. Just an FYI. The rule, There is no crying in baseball or dating.

Rule # 58: You have started talking to someone. You guys start to have what I like to call it the spark!!! Not to be confused with the WNBA team the Sparks. Everything is going great. You are telling stories that have made each of you who you are. You decide to meet. About an hour after the decision was made you are going to meet, you get a phone call telling you that they don't believe anything that you are saying to them, that it's not you, it's cause they can't trust anyone anymore. Here is a small newsflash. Are all of you sitting down, cause this will blow the lid off everything you ever thought existed. We have all been cheated on and lied to. Color me shocked. Thinking everyone is the same and just waiting for that person to do the same thing is sure fire way to hurt someone so fast it's not even funny. Not everyone is the same, we are like snowflakes, at least that is what my mom told me. She is never wrong. The rule here, not everyone is out to get in your pants some are out to get your heart.

Rule #5238: Everything is going awesome. You have had a couple of phone calls. You text all the time. You even went to sit together at some water fall thingy in a populated town. Everything seemed like it was going in the direction it should be. Then all of a sudden, BOOM!!! No phone calls. No messages. No cake. What is going on? They just stop talking to you without any warning. What kind of person does that? Apparently one without an explanation or a heart. The tin man has more common sense than anyone who does this. If you are going to just stop talking to them because you joined a nunnery or because you were found out to be breaking rule 58. It's time to take a step back and look at yourself. Common courtesy should be given to someone you are talking to because who knows that person could be the one, or a good story for a blog.

Rule #13: You want to impress someone on a first date. Ideas of being romantic cross your mind. Long walk under the stars, Romantic dinner by candlelight, Playing a claw machine till you win, maybe even some slow dancing. Ladies, I am not taken. ;) However, there is one place you never take someone. I mean never. A Strip club. Yes. Nothing says you are going to get a second date like watching someone grind all over the person that someday you could have children with. Isn't that a classy all night date. The only thing that should be stripped away is your wall so you can get to know a person better.

I hope you were taking notes boys and girls. Don't break any of these rules and you too can have a Danny and Sandy fling. Just don't stay out past 10 o' clock.

Hall of Hunks

Hello all you Stars and studs. It has been awhile since the last time I have graced the pages of The Buzz Kill. 5 months to be exact. My husband finally passed away late last year. Guess what I got? I am a rich bitch. He left me over 27 million pesos. I love being in the money. The court battle between his kids and myself was a long drawn process. Day after day, week after week, the judge would hear is how much of a gold digging bimbo I actually am. That is far from the truth. I loved that man with all my heart and pocket books. He was good to me for 10 months. That is exactly how long true love actually last, 10 months. I gave him the best time of his life and a few minutes into his after life. A girl has needs. I have never told anyone this but he died in the middle of sex. It was the way he wanted it to happen. I know that I can never love again. I knew it was time to get back to normal in my life and that is exactly what I am going to do. I missed writing for you all. I am back and will be around more often.

 I saw that yesterday Miranda Lambert was inducted into the Hall of Hotties. I feel an injustice to all the women out there. I think Miranda has ties to a certain country music singer that we want in the Hall for us. We need more eye candy. I thought this would be the best time to induct one of the sexiest men in country music, nay, alive. Blake Shelton. I mean this man embodies what a hunk should be at least in my little mind he does. 

This 35 year old country boy could take me anywhere he damn well pleases. I would love to be his arm candy everyday. Look at the hair, I just want to run my finger through it. I think the chair I am sitting in might have a puddle in it after that fantasy. Some of his chart toppers are Some beach Some where ( Wouldn't you want to walk under stars with him on the shore of a beach. Then tackle him to the sand. Duct tape his arms and legs and just have your way with him.) Hillbilly Bone (I wouldn't mind having his Hillbilly Bone deep inside of me. Twice) Honey bee (Buzz Buzz baby) and God Gave Me You. (Yes, he did. I am still excited.) I am even one of those crazy girls you could bring home for the both of you. You can also see him on the NBC show The Voice. Do you know how many dirty things I do to myself when i hear his voice? Blake welcome into the Hall of Hunks. Remember earlier when I said I couldn't love again? I think after seeing your picture, I am full of shit.

Hall of Hunks

As we remember the brave men and women who walk the wall and jump into action at a moment’s notice so we can sleep peacefully at night with the knowledge that we are protected, it brings to mind, at least for me, buff men dripping in tactical gear with high and tight haircuts. Meow. It’s a very primal instinct, I’m sure, but a man who not only would kill, but is actually capable of killing, anything that threatened me is a major turn on. So along that line of thought comes the next inductee into the Hall Of Hunks. He was actually inducted previously, however, when you read the piece it seemed more like a roast than induction. So here is to the man who was selected to play America’s ultimate soldier on screen.  When he is burning up the screen as Johnny Storm, aka The Human Torch, there is an undeniable heat wave passing through the Southern region of every female watching, the deep South. As Steve Rogers, aka Captain America, he nearly breaks my heart in half with all his wholesome hotness.  That’s right Chris Evans has had the opportunity to play (and has consequently caused my extreme pleasure) two Stan Lee characters.

To be completely honest Captain American is almost too good for me to have a nerd crush on. He’s just so wholesome. But, it is Chris Evans in the role that makes me drool. Piercing blue eyes, bulging muscles, and please, please do not forget that smile, but then again…how could you? It really is unforgettable. Please welcome Chris Evans (back) to the Hall Of Hunks!!

Hall of Hotties

Happy Memorial Day. We wanted to take this time to thank the men and women who have fought and are still fighting to protect our freedoms so we can have fun doing things like this here little website. Today, while a lot of you were grilling wieners on an open fire, Getting out to the lake to do a little recreational swimming, or Those who managed to score a threesome off Plenty of Fish. We were trying to think of the perfect way to say thank you to those men and women. We could make 1 billion cupcakes but that would take a really huge oven and that would take a lot of time. Simply put, we are lazy. Screw wasting time. We could fly a banner. However, the downside is that we only have enough cash on us to buy 7 letters. I didn't think I like pie, was going to work. The solution we ultimately came up with. Sexy celebrities. Yes, a staple of our culture. No matter what was going on a strapping lad or lady overseas could look at a picture of a celeb they want to get their knickers off. Gee Golly, wouldn't that just be swell. Ladies, your turn in coming up. Men, the next induction into the Hall Of Hotties will make you want to say you are from the country. Any guesses? Well, the next member of the Hall is:

Miranda Lambert

Miranda Lambert, my how you have changed the world of music for me. The 28 year old singer got her big break came from the shitty USA reality show Nashville Star. The knock off of American Idol but hosted by Mr. Miley Cyrus. Miranda finished third. She finished number one with my right hand. Her career really started to bloom when her first hit Kerosene. I know what would happen if we were to get it on, she would set my crotch on fire. If that was not the worst choice of wording of a sentence about sex, I am not sure what would be. Oh well, I am too lazy to erase it. Her next album Gunpowder and Lead, made her a household name. She was not firing blanks. I have a shot that won't hurt as bad as a bullet but will leave a very nice mess. White Liar hit and she was off and running. Headlining her own tour. Hit after hit keep happening for Miranda. Her latest hit Baggage Claim, which is seriously about my man bag if you know what I mean was number 1 with a bullet. The one problem I have with inducting her is the fact she is married which means my odds are less. Plus, Blake Shelton would kill me if he knew what a Hillbilly Bone I have for her. See what I did there. We would like to welcome Miranda Lambert into the Hall of Hotties. Miranda if you read this I know you are Married, but could you hook me up with a member of the Pistol Annies. I am Hell on Feels.

An Open Letter

I bet you have been waiting for this. You have been counting down the hours, the minutes and the seconds until my return to this shit hole of a site. If you do not know who I am, my name is Stick Figure (I walked into my house and couldn't believe my eyes. There was a naked girl in my room, what a surprise. Her body was nice but what a hideous mug. I am calling an exterminator cause I am scared my crotch might have bugs.) Dan. I love holiday weekends. Want to know why? While I was off getting laid by chick after chick. I got so much tail this weekend you would have thought I was a fur trapper. The weekend got even better when I found out porkzilla did this weekend. What a fucking loser the “main guy” of this website is. Did you read the Retro Video yesterday? I wonder what kind of pizza it was? My guess the meat wasn't the only protein on that pizza if you know what I mean. I found out no one would come hang out with him. I swear this guy has loser written across his forehead. Who wants to take bets that on the 4^th of July, only action he gets is from his hand while eating a hot dog. Enough of making fun of the future Time Magazine's Pathetic Man of the Year award winner and onto why we are really here. I was at the mall the other day trying to buy candles so I can get rid of the smell of desperation. Richard was over. I walked by a certain store and I have a bone to pick with them.

Dear Hollister,

I, like many other American's, are not filled with a douchebag gene. However, I will get one of your items for Christmas from an asshole friend of mine. The other day I was walking, trying to get my groove on via text message, when something churned my stomach. I couldn't stop smelling it. I mean it was just stuck there. It was like having sex with a drunk chick and she passed out on you. You can't move her. The only hope for you is that you are on top. I walked by your store the other day and realized what the smell was. I haven't been to the mall in over 6 months. The odor from your damn store made me sick for 6 damn months. The rancid odor coming from your store is like herpes. Once it is in the nasal cavity it isn't going anywhere for a long time. I have been around skunks that smelled better. Hell, I have been around a few high school P.E. Classes with a better odor. Do you have to use so damn much of whatever that shit is. There are people walking by that their eyes begin to burn. It was like they have just seem Medusa or Richard naked. There is no excuse for that odor. I have a solution. QUIT MARKETING TO PRETENTIOUS DOUCHEBAGS. I mean, really. American Eagle doesn't have that smell. Rue 21 doesn't have a smell. Just your shitty excuse for a store. You owe me a settlement check cause I have had to cut off my own nose. There is a lawsuit in your future.

Figure It Out

SFD

Retro Music Video (may 26)

Hope all of you are having a bad ass Memorial Day Weekend. While some of you are off gallivanting, getting your party on at the lake. I got to chill by myself and prepare for a very fun next two days for all of you readers, all 11 of you. Two new inductions into the Hall Of Hunks. Yes, Ladies, you read that right. Not one but two hunky dudes coming your way. A hottie will be gracing the Halls as well. Summer pretty much begins with this weekend. You do not want to mess up your chance of having one of those Summer Nights. My mission in life is to get it on to the Grease soundtrack. The next installment of The UnWritten Rules of Dating will help you not fuck up your chances. Your favorite foul mouth cartoon character will be back with An Open Letter to a certain store in the Mall. All this and much more coming tomorrow and Monday.

Now, on to the fun stuff. I have decided that if I were a teenager in the 80s, I know where I would have spent most of my time. I would have been the typical mallrat. I would have been Brodie, carrying around my little paper cup everywhere I went. Hell hath no fury like a woman scorn for Sega. I know I would have been hitting on girls in the food court. Trying not to get violated by the guy sticking his weirdly shaped cock through the glory hole in stall 4. Each day, I would be eating a cookie and drinking some sort of drink that would have been blended. Something like a smoothie. My friends and I would shop for awesome things. If I had a date there, we would sniff candles so I can show her my softer side. Speaking of softer sides, we would always park at Sears. That would be the life. Instead, I am 27 and sitting alone on a Saturday night with my frozen pizza and watching episodes of Psych. Yes, it's kinda Ironic isn't it?


 About time right?

What Is In A Dream

I have an announcement. I am crazy. Good Night Everybody!!! Seriously, we can't just end on a crazy announcement can we? That would be kind of like CSI: Miami ending after that one guy puts on the sunglasses. We can't have that now can we. I have been meaning to write this, but I keep putting it off because I think procrastination is somewhat fun. My high school English teacher would be pissed. Why put off today, what you can do tomorrow. Every night for the last three years I have laid my head down to drift off to a land that is visited by Peter Pan. I love me some peanut butter. I am ready for a night of deep sleep. I was always told that if you tell your dreams before you eat they wouldn't come true or it is the other way around. Hell, I give up trying to figure out these superstitions by the elderly. It is not the easiest thing in the world. I keep having the same dream over and over and over. It seriously is like being locked in a room watching the Events Calendar channel on the television. If any of you can tell me what this dream means or know a Shaman, I would be gladly appreciated and the terrorist will not win.

I dream that I am part of a sitcom. There are three guys named Larry, Darryl, Darryl. We work in some lodge thing and I have no idea how I got there. After 6 or 7 years, I wake up and realize it was all a dream. Shit, sorry that was Newhart. My bad

The real dream people. I am in the magical country music town of Branson Missouri. I normally wouldn't brag about that. Wait a sec, I am really not even now. I am at the Branson Landing. It is an outdoor mall. They honest to God have the coolest damn store in the world. The As Seen On Tv Store!!! I got a Gopher from there. Remember that grabber thing Billy Mays sold? I had one. I am lonely, don't judge me. Well, the dream starts at The Bass Pro Shops on the Landing. There is not a soul around. I start walking to see if anyone is there. All of a sudden, a penny comes rolling by me. It seems to be rolling at a pace that I can follow it very easily. I follow the penny, passing store after store. We end up at the part that looks over the water. I see myself with a woman. I can see the back of her. I have no clue what she looks like. I am guessing she is cute. I mean look at me. I am one sexy piece of man meat. The fire show begins and I am proposing to her. I try to move to see what she looks like as soon as I get close I wake up.

I keep waking up in the same damn spot. What does this all mean? Am I supposed to somehow marry Yakov, or get it on with The Oak Ridge Boys. Is she the girl? Will the dream end when I meet her face to face? I guess until then, I will be playing with my Baldknobbers.

I apologize for the Branson references. I couldn't help myself.